


At A Loss

by kazesuke



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 21:29:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5064919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kazesuke/pseuds/kazesuke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories have a habit of slipping away like water through your fingers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At A Loss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gen (ryujinjakka)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryujinjakka/gifts).



> Beta: the usual suspect  
> Characters: Mentions of Hisagi Shuuhei, Hirako Shinji, Urahara Kisuke and Shihouin Yoruichi/  
> Set in the time-skip.

Living in the Human World had been its own mess. A rather big mess at that. There was getting used to everything – slightly different clothes, strange contraptions that humans had invented to make things easier that shinigami had never thought of, maybe because they were stronger than humans and didn’t need them. But all these things were new, something never seen before and whilst it wasn’t like they terrified him he still approached them with caution. Old habits die hard – humans apparently say – and it was true. When you’re used to approaching something new with caution, Kensei was hardly about to go up to one of these machines and slam a sledgehammer into it. But the Visored were all in the same boat. They’d all been able to work together and they’d all been able to plot their course through the human world. 

But this shouldn’t have been like that. Kensei had grown up in this world, had run riot through the streets of Rukongai trying to steal ends meat and simply survive. He’d lived in the Seireitei after that for a good portion of his life. He’d trudged along these same paths out of instinct over and over again after a long day at the office, weary and desperate for his bed. 

It turned out, though, that a lot more things than he thought had slipped through the gaps of his mind.

It had been hard to notice in the Human World. Everything had been new, whether that meant it was weird, exciting or plain disgusting, nothing had required the trained muscle memory he possessed. The kind of memory that meant he never bumped into his own furniture or meant he could turn his brain off when he walked home and let his feet lead him or memories that had him closing a gap of just the right distance to snatch his sword up and head into battle.

At first, he could blame the new surroundings. While 9th Division wasn’t entirely new to him, it wasn’t entirely old either. That bastard had moved everything, almost entirely erased everything familiar about 9th Division to Kensei and he hated that. But he could hardly move everything back. Oh sure he rearranged his office, because his way just made more economical sense space wise, and he had been silently amused at the sheer clumsiness it brought out in his vice-captain now that nothing was in the right place and the kid bumped into everything because he just wasn’t paying attention. But he couldn’t move much else. What right did he have to screw with everyone else’s muscle memory?

But it wasn’t just that kind of memory.

Hisagi knew a lot about him and Kensei wasn’t sure how much of it meant the kid had spent hours in libraries dissecting and absorbing every bit of information about the former captain that he could – and that was always a worry for another day – or how much of it was just readily available. 

But there were a lot of things Hisagi asked him about that Kensei didn’t remember. 

And he couldn’t even put it down to being old.

Some of it he told himself he couldn’t remember because _that_ night… well the details were better left forgotten really. Like the sound of his hollow cry, the crunching of bone as he battered his comrades, not recognising them as the madness of his hollow had taken hold of him.

But thankfully, at least, he remembered the kid - once he realised that the scrawny, little, crybaby he’d met had grown up to be his vice-captain. Not remembering the kid would have caused a whole world of problems that Kensei would be forever grateful he didn’t have to deal with.

But some of it… He couldn’t remember when he graduated the Academy. Never mind pinpointing an exact year, he couldn’t even hazard a guess. His top officers, once close friends, once family… their faces were indistinguishable in his memory, a fuzzy mess of… of something that he couldn’t figure out. 

That was something that had hit him hard, he’d been recounting some story he must’ve already told a thousand times over, only for him to come to a shuddering halt when he realised he couldn’t picture the man he was talking about. There was just a faceless person in his mind’s eye wearing clothes that that man could have worn but Kensei had begun to doubt that too. 

He refused to admit that this was happening though it had started to feel like the other Visored knew something was up. They had become a family after all and when you lived in close quarters with people for nigh on a century they were quick to notice when something was up. 

But what could they do? Kensei didn’t trust the Mayuri kid poking and prodding at him to find out what was wrong anymore than he wanted to go to Unohana. Who knew how long she’d want to keep him under observation for or under her watchful eye. Kensei shuddered. Mayuri almost felt like the better option. 

And as much as Kensei was grateful to Kisuke… well he was on the same kind of annoyance level as Shinji and could only be tolerated in short bursts. He did really hate it when the man got serious – you always knew something really bad was about to happen when the smile dropped and his voice got serious. Kensei certainly didn’t ever want to see or hear that again either.

So Kensei kept to himself about it, convinced himself that it was age talking, and for a long time, it was fine. Of course, it still upset him but he was over the initial shock. 

Until he realised that it was still happening. Like there was a leak in his brain his memories just kept trickling out, some stupid and some more important. And it didn’t appear to be happening to his fellow Visored.

And the flow was getting faster, it wasn’t just old memories anymore. It wasn’t just pre-Visored days slipping from his mind it was things more present. Memories that were new and precious.

People seemed to have finally noticed and he was sent on fewer missions, Hisagi going instead. If he showed any sign of having forgotten something then he didn’t have to do that task any more. And then finally Shinji hauled his ass over to Urahara’s blasted shop.

And he didn’t think to greet the black cat on the porch. 

He didn’t think anything of the serious tone that Urahara had. 

There was only a brief thought of protest when Shinji told him he lived there. Like it wasn’t quite right, like there were others relying on him.

But he honestly couldn’t remember.


End file.
